What is Stonewalling, and How to Handle Disrespect in a Relationship?

In the latest episode of the Colorado Counseling Podcast brought to you by Overcomers Counseling, we talk about the complex issue of stonewalling and disrespect in relationships.

We explore what stonewalling means and how it can be detrimental to a relationship's health and progress. We discuss why partners shut down during conflicts, and provide practical advice on how to talk to your partner when they shut down.

We also probe deeper into the philosophical and scientific reasons behind grief in relationships. This includes understanding the emotional responses that contribute to stonewalling and disrespect.

We offer affirmations you can use to communicate better with your partner, and ways to respect and value yourself when facing disrespect. For those seeking actionable steps, we share steps to take when your partner disrespects you.

The episode further emphasizes the importance of therapy and counseling in addressing these issues. We discuss how relationship therapy for couples can be a beneficial tool in managing and overcoming relationship challenges.

Whether you're in Colorado Springs or Aurora, Overcomers Counseling provides tailored therapy for couples to help navigate through these difficult situations. Tune in to gain insights and practical advice on improving communication, fostering respect, and cultivating healthier relationships.

 

 

We’re exploring a communication challenge that can unravel even the strongest of bonds - stonewalling. If you’re aware of this behavior or discovering it for the first time, learn about what stonewalling is and learning how to address it is key to improving your relationships and fostering emotional intimacy.

What is Stonewalling?

Stonewalling occurs when one partner withdraws from a conversation or interaction, either emotionally or physically. It can take many forms, such as avoiding eye contact, giving one-word answers, offering the silent treatment, or simply refusing to engage in the discussion. Individuals stonewall for various reasons, but the result is often the same—emotional withdrawal that can leave the other partner feeling frustrated, ignored, or hopeless.

Picture this scenario. You’re sharing your feelings with your partner, and suddenly they stop responding. They cross their arms, look away, and become totally unresponsive. You ask them to speak, but they remain silent, creating an emotional barrier that feels impossible to penetrate. That’s stonewalling behavior in action.

Stonewalling is one of the “Four Horsemen” of relationship breakdown identified by relationship expert John Gottman. Left unaddressed, it can erode trust, reduce understanding, and cause relationships to become emotionally disengaged over time.

 

Why Does Stonewalling Occur?

People stonewall for a variety of reasons, but it is often a defense mechanism. Here are some common causes of stonewalling in relationships:

1. Feeling Overwhelmed
   For some, shutting down is a way to reduce stress when emotions run high. They feel unable to communicate effectively and rely on self-protection by disengaging.

2. Conflict-Averse Behavior
   Certain individuals simply don’t know how to handle conflict and avoid it at all costs. By emotionally disengaging, they hope to bypass the discomfort of disagreement.

3. Unresolved Issues
   Stonewalling can stem from deep-seated, lingering tensions in the relationship. When such a thing persists, it becomes harder to communicate about even unrelated topics without triggering a shutdown.

4. Intentional Stonewalling
   Although less common, some engage in intentional stonewalling as a form of emotional abuse. This involves deliberately creating an emotional distance to punish or control the other partner, leaving them feeling demeaned and invalidated.

5. Unintentional Stonewalling
   Not all cases of stonewalling are intentional. Some individuals may not even realize they’re disengaging emotionally. They may simply lack the tools to express their feelings during heated moments, leading to two-word responses or complete silence.

Understanding the underlying cause is essential in addressing stonewalling. It’s not always about refusing to listen but often stems from a desire to self-soothe when emotions feel overwhelming.

The Impact of Stonewalling on Relationships

Stonewalling doesn’t only affect the immediate conversation—it can have significant long-term consequences for the relationship itself. Here are some ways stonewalling negatively affects romantic relationships, friendships, and even workplace interactions:

• Erodes Emotional Intimacy
  When one partner consistently disengages, it creates an emotional barrier. This can leave the stonewalled partner feeling dismissed, invalidated, or unimportant—all of which reduce intimacy over time.

• Builds Resentment
  When communication breaks down repeatedly, conflicts aren’t resolved, and small misunderstandings can fester into larger issues, leading to feelings of anger or disdain for both partners.

• Causes Miscommunication
  Without conversation, assumptions take over. This can magnify misunderstandings, leaving individuals feeling frustrated and disconnected.

• Impacts Mental Health
  For both partners, stonewalling can take a toll on emotional well-being. The person who shuts down may feel guilty or isolated, while the other partner may experience anxiety, depression, or a sense of hopelessness.

If stonewalling continues, its effects spread far and wide, impacting trust, emotional safety, and a couple's ability to work through issues. However, there are ways to address it effectively and rebuild communication.

Strategies to Address Stonewalling

Overcoming stonewalling takes patience, understanding, and a willingness from both partners to heal harmful patterns. Here are some practical strategies to bridge the communication gap and create a safe space for both parties to express themselves.

1. Create a Safe Space

When stonewalling occurs, the individual shutting down is often in a state of emotional overload. Instead of pushing them to talk, acknowledge their feelings and provide reassurance. Saying something like, “I understand you’re feeling overwhelmed; I’d like us to discuss this when you’re ready,” can go a long way in de-escalating the situation.

2. Take Breaks

Sometimes, the best thing you can do during emotionally charged conversations is to pause. Suggest taking 15-20 minutes to self-soothe, allowing both parties to regain composure. Come back to the conversation with a calmer, clearer perspective.

3. Use ‘I’ Statements

Avoid phrases that feel like accusations. For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try expressing, “I feel hurt when we can’t share our feelings openly.” This reduces the chance of triggering your partner's reaction to defend themselves.

4. Address Stonewalling Behavior with Empathy

Instead of focusing on how the behavior makes you feel, try to explore the underlying cause with curiosity. For example, “I’ve noticed you tend to shut down during arguments. Is there something I can do to help you feel comfortable speaking?”

5. Practice Active Listening

When your partner stonewalls, it may reflect their fear of being misunderstood or judged. Show them you’re fully aware of their emotions by practicing active listening. This involves maintaining eye contact, paraphrasing their concerns, and asking thoughtful, non-judgmental questions.

6. Seek Professional Help

If stonewalling in a relationship has become a recurring issue, consider working with a relationship therapist. A mental health professional can help both partners develop communication strategies and unravel the deeper emotional challenges contributing to stonewalling.

7. Focus on Self-Care

Both partners can benefit from investing in their mental health. Engage in activities that lower stress and build resilience, such as mindfulness practices, journaling, or simple self-care routines like yoga or walking in nature.

8. Celebrate Positive Change

If your partner begins to engage in conversations more openly, take the time to reinforce this behavior. Statements like, “I really appreciate you sharing how you feel,” can sustain the progress and build trust in the relationship.

Continue to Grow

Stonewalling has the potential to cause emotional harm, but it’s never too late to turn things around. Seek to understand why people stonewall and working collaboratively on solutions, so you can strengthen your emotional connection. Communication takes effort from both people, but the rewards—a more open, trusting, and loving bond—are well worth striving for.

If stonewalling has caused unresolved issues in your relationship, know that professional help is available. At Overcomers Counseling, we understand how important it is to rebuild communication and emotional closeness. Our team of relationship therapists is committed to helping you reconnect with your partner in a safe, supportive environment.

Call us today at 719-345-2424 or visit OvercomeWithUs.com to take the first step toward overcoming stonewalling and creating stronger, healthier relationships.

Your relationship deserves attention, care, and love—and by addressing stonewalling, you’re already taking a big step toward a brighter future together.